


Jagged Little Pill

by sweetprentiss



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, Holtzbert - Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, Relationship Struggles, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24675352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetprentiss/pseuds/sweetprentiss
Summary: Coming to accept her attraction to women has been quite the exercise for Erin Gilbert but following in the footsteps of Jillian Holtzmann seemed to make things easier... for a while. As they traverse the intricacies of internalized homophobia together, will they make it out alive, or will their ship crash and burn from the minute it leaves the port?
Relationships: Erin Gilbert & Jillian Holtzmann, Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann
Comments: 19
Kudos: 35





	1. Head Over Feet

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me! I promise that it will get better! Please forgive any mistakes I make, I edited it myself and I'm not great at catching them in my own work.

“How did you know that you like girls, Holtz?” 

Erin Gilbert was sitting at her desk in the second floor lab fiddling with some dry erase markers as she watched Holtzmann spin on her stool. The blonde engineer did this quite often when she was stuck on a design or couldn’t figure out a logistical problem. She told Erin once, “the centripetal motion helps smoosh her brain pieces together so they work better.” Erin, however, thought she just liked the feeling of being dizzy.

The engineer continued propelling herself on the swivel but thought carefully before answering. 

“Well, I haven’t always fit the mold of a typical girl. I never understood how the girls in my classes had crushes on the different boys. I always just wanted to build things and learn. I had this yearning to be friends with the other girls, but I always just attributed it to the fact that no one really wanted to be the weird girl’s friend.”

Holtz had slowed to a halt before turning to face Erin with her feet flat on the floor. Erin couldn’t help but frown at the thought of anyone not being able to see what a wonderful person Holtz was and sympathized with being the odd one out. 

“It really hit me, though, when I was twelve or thirteen. I would watch reruns of the X-Files in the basement in the evening and Dana Scully created quite the commotion of physiological reactions if you know what I mean. I tried hiding it and pretending for a while but eventually I realized that this was just who I am and I wanted to live as authentically as possible… And kiss as many girls as possible.” 

Erin snorted at Holtz and threw a marker at her. Holtz caught it easily and walked it back to the cup on Erin’s desk where it lived. The blonde could tell that there was something on Erin’s mind but she didn’t know how to approach the situation, so she just wrapped the brunette in a hug and nuzzled her with her cheek. Their friendship over the past year had become easily physical and the contact brought both women some comfort. 

After a few seconds, Holtzmann returned to her work, tinkering away at some bolts on Patty’s ghostchipper that kept coming loose every three ghosts it took apart. Erin, however, was still lost in thought, contemplating the feelings that had blossomed in her chest since she met the quirky engineer a year ago. She wished that her journey was as easy as Holtz’ seemed to be. It’s like she always knew in some capacity and then when it was confirmed, that her life would still be worth living even if she deviated from the norm. Erin had never been so lucky. 

Her year since reuniting with Abby and making the Ghostbusters her family had done wonders for bringing the physicist out of her shell. A lifetime of fear and molding herself to what was expected of her by society and by her parents, however, wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Ever since the first time her parents ridiculed her for having a ghost in her room, she suppressed any part of herself that made her different from the rest. To Erin, making herself palatable was more important than living her truth. Slowly but surely she was finally feeling comfortable with her chosen career path and the judgement of her conserative parents. Erin’s self worth was still so contingent on her parent’s definition, however, that she had been hesitant to free herself of the constraints of heteronormativity, worried about the ridicule she could face. If the gals had taught her anything, though, it was that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. 

“I realized for the first time when I was 18 and there was a TA in an American Literature class. I haven’t really allowed myself to think about it, though. At least not until recently.”

Immediately after the words left her mouth she could feel the claws of anxiety trying to pull them back in. She had never confessed to anyone that she had feelings for girls. That was a part of herself that she kept locked in the dark, much like being haunted by her neighbor and the subsequent years of therapy, bullying, and disapproval of her parents. 

Holtz, however, was intrigued and approached Erin’s desk with a gentleness the physicist had never seen from her before. She pulled up the second rolling chair next to where Erin was sitting and placed a soothing hand on Erin’s shoulder. 

“I’m proud of you, Hot Stuff. Thank you for telling me.” Holtz used her free hand to hold Erin’s as it trembled on the table. 

Erin lifted her head and caught Holtz’ gaze. What she saw staring back at her calmed the shallow panting and helped to loosen some of the talons so fiercely gripping her heart. Instead of disapproval or disgust, like what she always had feared as the reaction should she say it out loud, Holtz radiated acceptance and compassion. It was this softness that had made Erin fall for Holtz, shown in bits and pieces, interspersed between the loud and larger than life personality that was always full force. 

The two ladies sat quietly for a few long minutes, Holtz occasionally smoothing her hand down Erin’s back or tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. The repetitive motion eventually lulled Erin into contentment and she laid her head on Holtz’ shoulder. 

“Holtz, you’re really one in a million, you know that?” 

The engineer chuckled, “so I have been told.” She pulled a funny face that Erin couldn’t see but could feel and it made her laugh, too. 

Erin lifted her head slowly and looked at Holtz, the remnants of her smile still glowing on her face. She wasn’t sure that she had ever seen a more beautiful sight, wild curls cascading down the side of her face, dimples pressed perfectly on her cheeks. Before she could think about it, she leaned forward and connected their lips in a gentle, hesitant kiss. Right as Holtz began to kiss her back, she pulled away, worried that she had misread the situation. 

The doe-eyed look Erin was giving Holtz was enough to make her scrunch her nose and huff a soft laugh. The engineer quickly leaned forward and kissed Erin once more, saying all the things she had been dreaming of to the brunette for the past year but couldn’t. She had a strict rule against pursuing straight girls. Holtz brought her hands ups to tangle in Erin’s hair and a gentle sigh escaped the brunette in return. As the kiss came to its end, Holtz searched Erin’s face as her eyes were still closed. When she opened them, there was a myriad of emotions flashing across her face. 

“What does this mean?” Erin’s voice was timid and it broke Holtzmann’s heart. 

“It can mean whatever you want it to, sweetheart.” 

Erin blushed at the nickname but quickly frowned. 

“I… I don’t know if I’m ready to be out, if I’m ready for something like this.” 

A couple watery tears glittered the corners of Erin’s eyes as she thought about losing the world she had just walked into. A year of friendship with Holtz could never compare to the wonder of kissing her lips. 

Holtz caressed her cheek, swiping a thumb under her eye to catch the tear as it escaped. The engineer had never been very good at this, about talking about feelings. More than anything, though, she wanted Erin and to do anything in her power to make her happy. 

“That’s okay, we can go slow. This is your timeline, Erin. I won’t force you to do anything you’re not ready for.” 

Relief washed over Erin’s face and she fell into Holtzmann for a hug. The engineer pressed gentle kisses to her hair and they stayed like that for nearly half an hour. 

* * *

As the weeks went by, Holtz and Erin grew increasingly closer, often working projects together that involved standing in front of the whiteboard, arms barely touching or two pairs of hands working on proton packs which spent more time eliciting giggles than actually fixing equipment. In the evenings they had taken to rotating between their apartments, eating takeout and getting to know each other in ways that they couldn’t just as friends. 

One of Holtz’ favorite activities was playing Mario Kart with Erin. The physicist often found herself at Holtzmann’s cluttered apartment, finding the mess more soothing than anything just because it was so  _ Holtz _ . This left evenings open to lots of canoodling but also the engineer convincing Erin to branch out and try some pastimes that she otherwise considered too childish for a woman in her 40s. Holtz found that her puppy dog eyes could get Erin to do almost anything and it made her heart swell to watch the ever-professional scientist get heated during a race and pull every curse word out of the book every time she’s hit by a shell. It’s the small things, really. 

The two women were trying to be inconspicuous and were mostly succeeding. They did their best to only share soft touches and lightly banter even when the other two ghostbusters were not around. What they didn’t anticipate, however, was the fact that Abby was highly perceptive and knew her two best friends better than anyone else. 

After noticing a hickey peeking out from Holtz’ collar, Abby grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into the kitchen. 

“Holtz, you need to be careful.” 

“No can do, Abs. Impedes my scientific genius.”

Abby wiped a hand down her face and sighed, “That’s not what I mean, Holtzmann.” 

The engineer immediately sobered from her goofy retort and tried to read Abby’s face.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“With Erin, you need to be careful.”

Holtz shoved her hands in the pockets of her overalls and stretched her shoulders to her ears. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Abby lifted Holtz’ chin with her hand and looked deep in her eyes.

“Yes, you do, Jillian.”

Holtz let out a huff and slumped, “I’m not going to hurt her Abby, I promise.”

Abby looked sadly at the blonde, “It’s not you I am worried about, Holtz. You’re one of the kindest, most thoughtful and loyal people I know. You have such integrity and that’s what makes you great. I just don’t want to see you hurt because you’re playing in a fire that you don’t know how to put out.”

Anger spilled from Holtzmann, venom igniting her words, “God, Abby. Haven’t you seen how much she has changed over the past year! She jumped into a portal to save your life! I know she left you and I’m so incredibly sorry for the pain she put you through, but she isn’t that Erin anymore.”

Abby backed off, hands in the air, “Okay, Holtz. I’m sorry. I just want the best for you.”

Holtz softened, as well, “I know you do, Abs. Trust that I know what I’m doing, okay?” 

Abby clapped a hand on Holtz’s shoulder with a tight smile and nod. They both exited the kitchen and went to their respective workspaces, both ruminating on the conversation in the kitchen as they moved about their day.

Once Holtzmann reached the top of the stairs, Erin knew that something was off. Her shoulders were slumped, her boots made no sound as she traversed the hardwood, and the bounce of her curls was markedly absent. As she moved to sit at her desk, Erin stood to follow her. The light touch of hands on her shoulder made Holtz jump but Erin didn’t move.

“Are you feeling alright, Holtz?” 

The blonde grunted and reached for a screwdriver and the latest gadget she was working on. Erin began kneading the knots under her fingers. Holtz soon relented and lulled her head back to rest it on Erin’s tummy, unable to resist her touch. 

“I think Abby knows about us.” 

Immediately Erin’s hands retreated from the shoulder’s they laid upon as if they were on fire. She took three quick strides to put space between the two of them.

“What!,” Erin exclaimed. “How does she know? We are being so careful, oh my God.” 

The physicist began to pace the open floor, muttering about “how could she be so stupid”. Hearing Erin’s reaction initially stung, causing an unpleasant tightness in Holtzmann’s chest. She quickly ignored that, replacing it with worry over Erin. Coming out’s a deeply personal process and Holtz knew how scary it was to be outed and put into a box before she was ready. 

“Erin, sweetie, it’s okay.” Holtz met Erin mid-pace and stopped her with two hands on her hips. “It’s just Abby. You know that she will love you no matter what.” 

Holtz’ thumbs smoothed circles into her hips and watched as Erin scrubbed her hands across her face, soon dropping them to rest on Holtz’ shoulders. 

“You’re right. It’s just Abby. It’s okay. I just… I’m still not sure I’m ready.”

Holtz nodded and pressed a kiss to Erin’s cheek, “That’s okay. This is all on your timeline, baby.”

Erin nodded and they broke apart, moving to work at their desks for the rest of the afternoon. Erin was content in Holtz’ reassurance, no one had to know until she was ready. Holtzmann, however, could only hear the ringing of Abby’s voice warning her against the woman she was falling in love with and felt the sting of Erin’s hands pulling away from her like she had been burned sharply on her shoulders until she left that night, alone. 

* * *

Weeks turned into months and slowly but surely both Holtzmann and Erin were falling sweetly into love. Erin had never felt this way, had never been treated like a princess before. Holtzmann was ever the gentlewoman, rubbing her feet after a long day in heels, coming to her apartment with her favorite takeout after a hard bust, holding her tightly together after she had come undone at her touch. She listened as Erin unloaded decades of emotional baggage and then soothed every pain with soft hands and gentle kisses. Despite Erin’s best efforts at suppressing what she felt for Holtzmann, she had lost the fight and became irrevocably hers. 

Holtzmann, on the other hand, had been Erin’s since the day she walked into the lab, furious and ready to fight. Her love had only grown over time, wanting to do everything in her power to make Erin happy, even if that meant sacrificing parts of herself to do so. Jillian always thought that there would be nothing sweeter than the reciprocity of her feelings when Erin still was the straight girl she would never dare go after. In the six months since their first kiss, Holtzmann had realized that what could perhaps be sweeter would be kissing Erin in public or taking her on a date outside of the four walls of her apartment. There was nothing Holtzmann wouldn’t do for Erin but that didn’t mean it came without a cost. 

They walked to work together one morning and about a block out from the firehouse Erin reached for Holtz’ hand, interlocking their fingers for the first time where the sun could touch their skin. It gave the blonde hope, hope that maybe their isolation would soon be over. Emboldened, Holtz took the opportunity to broach the subject.

“Erin, do you think maybe we could go on a date?” 

It wasn’t the first time Holtz had suggested going on a date with the physicist, but perhaps the first in as many words. Her words came in the stilted tone that she often had when she was uncomfortable. 

“Holtz, we have dates all the time. Just last night we watched that new movie about that guy who ripped off the Beatles.” 

“Yes, and I loved every minute of it,” Holtz thought for a long second before continuing. “I was just thinking that we could maybe go check out this new restaurant in my neighborhood, I heard they have the best eggplant parm in a 7 block radius.” 

Erin quickly dropped her hand from Holtz’ and shoved it in her pocket. Holtz couldn’t force the feeling in the pit of her stomach to dissipate and tears sprung in her eyes. She flipped down the yellow lensed glasses resting on her forehead and looked away from Erin.

“I… I’m not ready, Holtzmann.”

Holtzmann cleared the lump in her throat before speaking, “It’s just dinner, Erin. We used to go to dinner all the time. I just thought it would be nice.”

Erin could hear the wobble in Holtzmann’s voice but couldn’t bring herself to force her fear down far enough to do something about it. Instead, she whispered an apology and opened the door to the firehouse, heading straight for the lab. 

Holtzmann took her time unwinding the scarf around her neck and unbuttoning her coat, finally allowing herself to wipe the few tears that she could not hold back. She repeated the mantra in her head she had grown accustomed to saying after every rejection,  _ she loves you, Jillian. You know she does. This won’t last forever. _

Unbeknownst to the blonde, both Abby and Patty were watching with sad eyes as their favorite girl lost all of the spunk and exuberance that made her so uniquely Holtzmann. They both wished for some of that bubbly excitement to return but they weren’t sure when or under what circumstances that would be.

Before either woman could address Holtz, Erin came bounding down the stairs, slinging her coat back on her body. 

“Uh, my mom is in town and needs to see me right now, I guess,” Erin huffs as she runs through the first floor to the door. “I don’t know when or if I will be back today, I’m sorry!” 

Before anyone could get a word in edgewise, the door slammed shut behind her and Erin was racing down the street to catch a cab. She couldn't risk the wrath of her mother if she didn't arrive as soon as possible. Inside, Holtz was about to trudge up to her lab when Kevin walked right up to her, not leaving enough room for her to adequately look up at his towering form. 

“I just got a call, boss. There is a goat loose down the block at the soup kitchen.” 

Holtzmann reached for her smartwatch that she programmed herself, setting off the red alert lights and siren she installed last summer. She thanked Kevin and bounded over to the locker space to pull on her jumpsuit. 

“Holtzy, did you have to make that damn siren so damn loud? Girl, you know we can hear just fine.” 

Holtz cackled as she shoved her pant legs into her boots, “Patty, my darling, you know that everything I do only comes in one volume: LOUD!” 

Patty grumbled as she pulled her suit on, “Yeah I don’t wanna know what else you do  _ loud _ .” 

The three ghostbusters piled into the Ecto-3 and rode three blocks up to the only soup kitchen in their neighborhood. Kevin really was trying, but they often had to piece together what was actually happening even all this time later. 

With their packs strapped on their back, the three of them cautiously entered the building. All of the lights were off and the owners were standing outside, huddled for warmth and out of sheer fear of whatever was terrorizing their kitchen. Holtz was the first one to enter the kitchen, leaving the other two to tag team the rest of the floor. Without Erin she was left to explore alone, hopefully she would be able to protect herself from whatever she found until the others could come as backup. 

What Holtzmann saw wasn’t a giant monster throwing knives or wreaking havoc, but what looked like a grandmother stirring a pot of soup she could not see. In all 18 months of busting, Holtz had never seen a benevolent spirit so well formed, so she pressed the call button on her pack for the others to come to her and approached with caution. 

Without turning around, a voice that she could only assume belonged to the ghost started humming an unrecognizable tune.

“I can sense you have some deep inner turmoil, child. Come try some of Mama’s soup, it will help you feel better.”

Holtz didn’t respond but did creep closer when she saw Patty and Abby enter the kitchen from the corner of her eye. 

“Something very terrible is happening, my child. Something very terrible indeed.” The woman turned and morphed into an 8 foot tall demon with blood red eyes and pointed teeth. “I cannot wait for you to find out!” 

With a shriek, the ghost began rushing the team, throwing various items and raising absolute hell. They chased it for hours but eventually was able to capture it, though not without a fight since they were missing an integral fourth beam for a ghost so powerful. 

“She was right, that sure was somethin’ terrible. I am interested in whatever the hell she was cooking, though, I swear I could smell okra and paprika.” 

Patty helped tuck her pack back into the hearse and chuckled as she watched Abby struggle with unfastening her waist belt. It had been giving her trouble for a while-- Holtz was not a seamstress and only seemed to make it worse with every attempt to fix it. 

“Oh Patty, I would kill for some of that soup your Auntie made for us last month. You said there was okra in that, right?” 

All three of them rounded into the car, Holtzmann silently claiming the driver’s seat, a state of being that clashed with her very existence. 

“Yeah, baby, it has okra and tomatoes, lots of spices your pasty ass wouldn’t know nothin’ about and some ground beef. Perfect for warmin’ up after a long day trudging through the snow looking for Christmas gifts.”

Abby and Patty chatted the three blocks back to the station and Holtzmann mused on what the ghost had said to her. It felt like she was speaking about more than just the havoc she was about to wreak on them. What would a ghost know about that, though? 

Holtzmann spent the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening throwing herself into designing a new proton shotgun for Erin, one that would have significantly less kickback with the same amount of power. When she nearly had it completed, she glanced at her phone and saw that it was 9 pm and she had 3 texts and a missed call from Erin. She immediately dialed her back and started getting packed up while she waited for the brunette to pick up.

“ _ Holtz?” _

“Hi Hot Stuff, what’s up?”

She heard some shuffling on the line, “ _ I was wondering if I could come over tonight? _ ”

“Of course,” Holtz responded, “You know you’re more than welcome at my place.” 

“ _ Okay, great, because I’m almost there. _ ”

Holtz chuckled to herself, “I’m leaving the lab now, I will meet you there. If you get there before me, just let yourself in. I know that Abby gave you a key to my place after my concussion two summers ago.” 

“ _ Okay, Holtz. I will see you soon… I missed you today. _ ”

Holtz was tying her last boot, about to leave the lab when she stopped in her tracks and smiled, “I missed you, too, babe. I will be home in 15.” 

With that she hung up and ordered an Uber, not wanting to face the subway or walk after dark when it was so cold outside. About 15 minutes later, as she predicted, she was sliding her key in the lock and letting herself into the apartment. All the lights were off except for a soft glow coming from under her bedroom door. 

After removing her winter gear, she pulled herself to the bedroom and was greeted with the most beautiful sight. Erin was wearing an oversized tee shirt and fuzzy socks, spread out on Holtz’ bed reading a journal with the gentle bedside light on. Holtz had gotten a nightstand and a lamp for Erin’s side of the bed after she complained about not having “good reading light” in her bedroom. 

Erin looked up from the journal and gave Holtzmann a genuine smile that wrinkled the corners of her eyes and scrunched her nose. Holtz immediately stripped down to her crop top and pizza slice boxers before launching herself into bed next to Erin, causing them both to giggle. Erin leaned down to give Holtz a full kiss on the mouth, quickly gliding her tongue along a lower lip asking for entrance. 

Holtz grabbed the journal from Erin’s hands and tossed it across the room which made Erin huff in displeasure. The blonde used that moment to flip them so that she was straddling Erin’s hips, holding both of her hands next to her head. 

“I thought you missed me today?” 

Holtz dipped her head to press featherlight kisses to Erin’s neck, earning her a quiet moan and a squirm of Erin’s hips. 

“I did. But I didn’t know how long you’d be so I wanted to get caught up on the new journal of theoretical physics.” 

Liking the answer, Holtzmann sucked hard at Erin’s pulse point, eliciting a heavier groan from the woman. She kissed back up her cheek and to her lips, capturing them in a dance they had nearly perfected. 

It wasn’t long before both women were devoid of clothes and Holtzmann had Erin a panting, sweaty mess, twisted in her bedsheets. Erin quickly flipped her over and gave as well as she took, both women thoroughly spent by the time they were too sensitive to come again. 

Erin rested her head on Holtz’ sweaty chest and listened as her breathing evened out. Assuming that Holtz was asleep, she pressed a kiss on her sternum and whispered sweet words into the air. 

“I’ve never felt like this before, I love you.” 

Holtz tried to keep her breathing steady as Erin fell to sleep on her chest. When the telltale soft snore came from the physicist, she let herself beam a smile before nodding off herself into a deep, peaceful slumber with dreams of what was to come. 

* * *

When Holtz woke up the next morning, Erin was gone. She left a note on the pillow saying that she had to go tie up some loose ends before her mom caught her train back to Michigan. Shrugging it off, Holtz bounced around her morning routine of taking a shower and meticulously pinning her hair into her updo, smiling the entire time. She was right, Erin did love her. It was only a matter of time now before she’d be ready and Holtz was more than excited.

Walking down the block, she could see Erin standing on the front steps of the firehouse with her mother and a tall, blond man wearing glasses and a trench coat. As she approached, she couldn’t hear what they were saying but could very vividly see the man reach down to give Erin a kiss before climbing into a cab with Mrs. Gilbert. From the angle, Holtz couldn’t see if it was a kiss on the cheek or on the lips, so she just assumed it was a friendly farewell from someone who knew Mrs. Gilbert well enough to come cross-country on a trip. 

When Holtz made it to the firehouse, she could hear hushed whispers coming from the kitchen. After dropping her coat and scarf, she tiptoed to the edge of the doorway to try and hear what was happening.

“Erin, what the fuck was that?” 

Holtzmann could hear the familiar tick of Abby’s shoes as she paced on the linoleum. 

“Oh, did you see that? He sure is dreamy, my mom set us up on a date last night and he’s the man we have both been waiting for me to settle down with.” 

Holtzmann’s heart dropped to her knees but she couldn’t help but keep listening. 

“Erin, oh my God! You cheated on Holtzmann! How could you do that?” 

Erin scoffed and what Holtzmann couldn’t see was her fiddling with her rings, a nervous habit she had picked up over the years when she was lying.

“How did I cheat on Holtzmann, you know I’m straight!” 

“You and I both know that isn’t true,” Abby nearly yelled in her whisper. “I know you and Holtz have had something going on for months and you can’t tell me it’s not true.” 

A pregnant silence passed. Erin knew Abby was right but Abby didn’t understand the crushing weight of her mother’s disapproval and the extent to which she would stretch herself just for an ounce of motherly love. All her mother had ever wanted was for Erin to settle down with a nice man and for her to have a family. That was something Erin could do if it meant that her mother would finally see her, love her, accept her.

“Okay, fine. I was trying out something new. But I couldn’t have cheated on her because we’re just best friends, best friends with perhaps some benefits. My mom came all this way with Matt to introduce us and he is real marriage material. The date he took me on last night was wonderful and it’s not like I’m getting any younger, here.”

“Oh that’s rich,” Abby began as she started pacing again. Before she could continue, she saw Holtzmann leaning against the back wall behind the entrance to the kitchen, clutching at her chest and rivers of tears streaking down her still frosty cheeks faster than she thought was humanly possible. Jillian didn’t know that there was a pain worse than that she experienced as a teenager but now she did and all she could do was just stand there like a deer in headlights, unable to move to safety as a speeding car was quickly approaching. Just last night Erin was whispering sweet nothings into her ear, telling her she loved her. Today she was nothing more than an experiment, she meant nothing. 

_ Last night,  _ she thought to herself,  _ that was a goodbye. _

Abby’s eyes went wide and pressed a hand against her mouth. Erin turned around from her seated position at the table and looked equally surprised, tears rimming her eyes almost immediately. Holtzmann wasn’t supposed to find out this way, they were supposed to talk, she was going to let her down gently. God, she never wanted it to be like this. 

_ How could I do this? _

Before either of them could move to Holtzmann, the engineer gained feeling in her legs and ran from the firehouse as fast as she could, leaving her coat and scarf behind. She ran until the freezing cold air felt like it was going to shred her lungs apart, finding herself in front of a familiar building that she once called home for many years. She walked up the four flights of stairs and knocked on the door. A tall brunette swung the door open, a nasty quip on her lip about disturbing a pregnant woman so early in the morning. The sight before her, Jillian curled in on herself crying harder than she had ever heard in her life, immediately softened the tall woman’s demeanor. 

“Oh, Jilly, what happened? Come here.” 

The brunette ushered Jillian inside and brought her to the couch, warming her with a blanket and a long hug. The blonde cried until she had no tears left, curling herself into the chest of her little sister.

“It’s terrible, Ronnie. I… can I just be here for a while?” 

Watching her strong, fierce older sister in so much pain was breaking Veronica’s heart in two, but she held firm and stayed at Jillian’s side. It’s the least she could do after how well Jillian protected her growing up. She fed her homemade soup and asked for her input on baby names until well in the evening when she tucked her into her husband’s side of the bed for the night. They wrapped around each other and Ronnie quietly sang a soothing tune that was popular while they were growing up until her big sister finally fell asleep.

“Your love is thick, and it swallowed me whole. You’re so much braver than I gave credit for. That’s not lip service _. _ ”

_ I couldn’t help it. _

_ It’s all your fault.  _


	2. You Oughta Know

“Ronnie, I’m fine. I promise. ” 

Jillian was many things in this moment, but fine was not one of them. Her sister was standing in the doorway of the apartment they used to share, before husbands, children, and paranormal investigating overtook their lives. Veronica couldn’t help but tut at her sister but didn’t respond. This was a game she had long known how to play, one with no winners. Her big sister seemed to shut down when she was feeling vulnerable and there was a good chance that she hadn’t felt this vulnerable and raw since their teenage years, after coming out to their father and what happened thereafter. Then, just as now, the blonde curled in on herself and was totally resistant to her sister and mother’s efforts to understand what had occurred. During that time was one of the only genuine fights that had ever happened between the two. In the time since, Veronica had learned that she needs to let her sister process at her own pace and just hang out in the background until she’s ready to let her in. 

“I’m here if you need me, Jilly. Are we still on for movies and dinner this Wednesday?” 

Curly, blonde hair bobbed as Holtzmann nodded, “I haven’t missed one yet. I will be there.” 

With that, Holtzmann bounded down the hallway to the staircase, choosing not to take the elevator. Veronica watched until the oversized, gray NYU sweatshirt that belonged to her husband disappeared behind the double doors. Now it was just a waiting game.

Out on the street, Holtzmann walked to the nearest subway station and rode all the way back to the firehouse, pretty sure she was already late and didn’t want to push it even further with the long walk from her old apartment. She thought about how grateful she was that her new apartment was so much closer to work and just about anything else besides Erin and the mess she had made of things. 

When she finally happened upon the station, she nearly slapped herself in the forehead. Her keys and cellphone were still inside with her coat from the day previous. She knocked on the door a few times and waited. After about a minute, Holtz began plotting how she was going to get to the window she kept open in her lab. Once she had figured out the angle she would have to jump from the dumpster to the fire escape, Abby’s face appeared in the doorway to let her in. 

“Holtz, hi. How are you?” 

Abby’s face was soft and caring, but Holtzmann couldn’t afford to spare any emotion for her best friend. She needed to just get up to her lab as quickly as possible and start working before anyone could make a big fuss. 

“I’m fine, Abberoo. But I have lots to get done after playing hooky yesterday.” 

Holtzmann quickly skirted around Abby and jogged into the building, not bothering to look and see who else was already in. Abby followed shortly after, at a much slower pace, and entered the kitchen where Patty was trying to teach Kevin the nuances of good breakfast toast. 

“You gotta put somethin’ on it, Kev. I like butter and Abby likes peanut butter and jelly.” 

Kevin grabbed the nearest jar of jelly and stuck his fingers in it, slathering the piece of toast in front of him, making a sticky mess on the counter. 

“No, dude! Not like that! You gotta use a butter knife or somethin’. We don’t want your germs up in our food!”

Abby’s chuckle announced her presence in the kitchen and Patty gave her a _look_. She quickly put down her butter knife, placing her hands on the counter. 

“God, what are we gonna do? I’ve never seen Holtz skip on breakfast like that, especially when Kevin tries to help.” 

Patty’s face was drawn and she crossed her arms in front of her. Abby nodded in agreement, the tension palpable in the air. Never one for tension, Kevin grabbed his toast and left the room.

“I know, I have never seen her like this before. She’s been up there for five minutes and she still hasn’t put on any music.” 

Abby couldn’t believe the mess her two friends had found themselves in. Sure, Abby had still been wary of her childhood best friend, but she never could have dreamt that Erin’s self-preservation would still be so destructive. If it were up to Abby, Erin would be off the team, but she knew that they couldn’t afford to lose her. 

“How are we gonna fix this?” 

At that moment, Erin walked in, seemingly oblivious to the conversation being had. Abby turned pointedly to the taller woman. 

“Yeah, Erin, how _are_ we gonna fix this?”

The physicist gulped and tears watered in her eyes. “I don’t know.” 

All Erin did know was that she made her bed and it was time for her to lie in it. She chose her mother and the absolutely perfect man she had brought her, she chose acceptance. All she had ever wanted in her life was for her mom to say, “I’m proud of you, sweetheart,” and Erin just knew that if she did this one thing, all of her past failures and disappointments would wash away. That for the first time, she would be the daughter her parents wanted. If that meant she had to follow this narrative she constructed, so be it. 

“Why don’t you start with maybe tryin’ to talk to her.” Patty stood with her hands on her hips, looking Erin up and down. 

Abby looked to Patty, shaking her head. After knowing Holtz for as long as she had, Abby knew that talking to her would get them nowhere. The girl was about as open as a clam on a good day. 

“Abby, it would be worth a shot. Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding.” Patty, still mostly in the dark to exactly how deep the relationship between Holtz and Erin ran, was trying to stay positive.

Abby and Erin shared a look, knowing it was much more than that. That logic, however, followed the narrative she had constructed for herself and she accepted it as fact. Erin screwed up her face, pushing away unshed tears. 

“You’re right, Patty. This is just a misunderstanding. I will go talk to her.” 

Erin slowly trudged up the stairs, dreading having to face Holtzmann after seeing the look on her face yesterday morning. When she reached the top, she was surprised to see Holtzmann sitting perfectly still, headphones up loud enough that Erin could hear the bass line of what sounded suspiciously like the lovechild of 90s angst and a Broadway musical. 

Holtz lifted her head just as Erin was going to tap her hand on the desk to catch her attention. What Erin saw staring back at her was unlike anything she had ever seen from Holtzmann, a schooled neutrality that was strange and almost frightening. She could feel the tension radiating from the woman, but her face was devoid of anything remotely consistent with human emotion. Erin motioned for Holtz to take off the headphones and she obliged. 

“I, uh…” Erin started to nervously fidget with the hem of her blouse, “I think I owe you an explanation.” 

Still tense and neutral, Holtz spoke, barely holding back the venom curling in the back of her throat, “There is nothing to explain. I’m happy for you, you’ve finally gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Erin gaped at the engineer, not expecting that response. She looked the other woman up and down, noticing how tense she was holding her body, shoulders situated around her ears, limbs eerily still, and her normally expressive eyes so cold that a shiver ran down her spine. 

“Holtzmann, no, I just... I just want you to know--”

“No Erin,” Holtzmann’s words were slow and deliberate, “the only thing anyone needs to know is that I’m happy for you and I wish nothing but the best for you both.” 

With that, the engineer pulled the large headphones over her ears and pressed play. Erin watched in silence Holtzmann looked down and away from her, still holding herself perfectly still but clenching at a wrench with both hands tight enough to blanch the skin of her knuckles. The physicist internalized this interaction, choosing to focus on her words and disregard the body language that came with them. That would fit with the story she was telling herself.

After a short moment, Erin turned and went back down the stairs and Holtzmann let herself release. Anguish bubbled in her chest, threatening to erupt in sobs. She needed to hold it together, she couldn’t let the team down, so she blinked heavily and bit her fist, breathing hard and making a small noise until one single tear dripped on the table. 

* * *

The silence lasted for weeks. Erin didn’t step foot in the lab again but Abby and Patty took turns bringing food up to their friend and staying until late in the evening to walk Holtzmann home, needing to make sure that she was at least _trying_ to sleep. Even on busts, she was abnormally stoic, only communicating with the team when absolutely necessary. By the time the fourth Wednesday morning came around, the engineer had improved all four of the original packs, all of their extra equipment, the containment units, the hearse, and built two more prototypes that were more complex than anything the team had seen come from her lab. 

As the days and weeks went on, slowly Jillian’s shoulders returned to their normal resting position and she could work without her headphones blasting music in her ears to numb out the rest of the world. When she heard Patty clamber into the kitchen early that morning, she slowly and carefully came down to the first floor, unnoticed until she slid into a stool, sitting with her head resting in both hands, watching Patty whip up some pancakes. 

“Shit, Holtzy, you scared me,” Patty said as she clutched her chest, “I’m glad to see your pretty face down here away from the lab.”

Holtzmann tried to smile at the historian, but her lips just pressed into a tight line. “I’m glad to be seen by you, Patty.”

Not wanting to spook the woman, Patty continued preparing breakfast, humming to herself until Abby came in. If the shorter woman noticed Holtz sitting at the counter, she didn’t make it known, immediately going into chatter about how Kevin had called in “sick” because “Mike Hatt needed to get fitted for his Halloween costume” even though the holiday had already come and passed months ago. 

Sitting down next to Holtzmann at the counter, Abby rubbed a hand across the blonde’s shoulder and hummed when she felt her lean into the touch. They sat in silence for a heavy moment, Holtz leaning her head on Abby’s shoulder. The gesture told Abby everything she needed to know. 

Patty was about to make small talk when they heard the door open and shut. Two distinct sets of footprints shuffled in with giggles and hushed tones echoing through the entrance. 

“Shh, Matt, you need to be quiet, I don’t want to disturb Holtzmann, she works on really dangerous stuff up there.” 

Holtz’s head popped up from Abby’s shoulder, staring out the door frame into the hallway to watch as the shadows grew closer. Abby’s arm around her back tightened. 

“Let me just grab your tie, I left it on my desk yes-” Erin was quickly cut off as she and Matt came into view of the kitchen and saw three pairs of eyes staring back at them. 

This was the first time Holtzmann had gotten a good look at the man and it was like a slap in the face. He was tall, with chiseled bones structure, ice blue eyes framed with circular Warby Parkers, blonde hair coiffed back. In his hands were textbooks on civil engineering and calculus and a folder filled to the brim with assignments, some of the red markings poking out the top. 

It felt like she was looking at herself in a camera, only the lens replaced all of her quirky and sapphic features with controlled and conventional masculinity. 

Sensing the tension, the man cleared his throat, “Actually, Erin. I don’t need that tie right now. Why don’t you just swing it by next time you come over. I will see you later.” Even in the midst of this situation, he spoke eloquently, something Holtz could only dream of. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and fled the building, leaving Erin alone to face the other ghostbusters. 

Holtzmann immediately excused herself from the kitchen, leaving out the back entrance and hurrying up the stairs to her lab. After a shout of “Erin, what the hell?” floated up the stairs, she reached into her desk drawer and fished out her headphones, drowning out the world until she was ready to leave for her sister’s at 5. 

Coming down the stairs, she could see all three women sitting at their respective desks. Erin was the first to notice as Holtzmann made her way down the stairs, taking note of the same tense neutrality from nearly a week prior. 

“Holtzmann, hey, can we talk?” 

Erin’s words startled Holtz and she looked to the taller woman. 

“About what? Is something wrong with your pack?” 

Erin frowned, this wasn’t how she wanted the conversation to go. “No, I just want to apologize for this morning, it was really unprofessional for me to bring Matt around.” 

Those were nearly the words she truly wanted to say to the blonde.

A deep breath was followed by meticulously planned words the engineer had been mulling over all day, “It’s fine, Erin. We all have lives outside of this place, sometimes they’re going to intersect.”

Not leaving room for another word, Holtzmann exited the building and walked in the direction of her sister’s, needing to clear her head before their weekly movie night. Unlike her last commute from the apartment, this time she couldn’t help but think about Erin and _Matt_. Even thinking his name made her stomach twist in knots.

Jillian let herself into her sister’s apartment and could smell her favorite pizza, ham and pineapple, from Nino’s just down the street. It was greasy, cheesy, and the perfect pizza for watching bad movies with her pregnant sister. 

Veronica was sitting on the couch, flipping through her Netflix queue in search of the night’s flick, going back and forth between an 80’s comedy and a new scary movie. Holtz propelled herself over the back of the couch, landing nearly on top of her sister and wrapped her arms around her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

“How’s my favorite sister today?” 

Veronica laughed and unconsciously rubbed a hand over her ever-growing belly. 

“Oh, just swell. Peanut here was kicking up a storm at work, I nearly had to come home early after she got a few swift ones to my ribs.”

Jillian leaned down close to her sister’s belly, rubbing around gently until she felt a kick. “Now listen, Vera, your Aunt Jill is going to be very upset with you if you break your mommy’s ribs. Why don't'cha try just chillin’ out in there, squirt?” 

The activity beneath her hand slowly came to a stop as she spoke to her niece. 

“Vera? That’s a new one.”

Holtz sat back up and flung both of her arms behind her on the couch, “Well, she hadn’t responded to any of the other great female scientists’ names I had called her, so I figured I would pull out one of my favorites and see if she liked it. I’ve been saving it ‘cause it’s so close to Veronica and that’s weird.”

“I kind of love it. I think it’s just different enough that it wouldn't look too egotistical.”

Jillian laughed heartily, “Yes, the last thing anyone would need is for Ronnie Holtzmann, Art Director for ViacomCBS to think too much of herself.”

Veronica laughed, remembering when they googled the careers with the most egotistical people and saw that art directors made the top 10. Holtzmann took it upon herself to make “Top 10 Asshole” mugs as a gag gift for her bachelorette party last year. 

“Besides,” Holtzmann continued, “I think it would be cool if she was named after not only one of the coolest scientists ever but the coolest person to ever walk the face of the Earth.”

Veronica grabbed Jillian’s hand and looked at her seriously, “Well, if I’m gonna be doing that, I think her name needs to be Vera Juliet.” 

It immediately clicked in Holtz’s mind that Juliet was to be an homage to her own first name and she wrapped her arms around her sister again, letting her know just how much she loved her. They bickered for a moment on which movie to pick, eventually deciding on the 80’s comedy they had seen a bunch as kids. Veronica secretly hoped that the monotony of watching an often-seen movie would set the right tone for her sister to finally open up about what had been eating at her for the last month. 

About halfway through the movie, Veronica got her wish. Jillian had been following the movie for about 20 minutes when her mind began to wander again to the events of that morning. All of the carefully held tension within her mind felt like it was going to snap.

“I was dating Erin.”

Veronica immediately turned in her seat, intimately familiar with just how much Jillian liked this particular coworker and the crush she had developed. She had warned her sister repeatedly about falling for straight girls, having watched her sister’s heartbreak over and over again during undergrad as a string of girls used her as their experiment. 

Holtzmann told the tale of Erin, starting with her questioning her own sexuality and the ensuing highs and lows of their affair. She told Veronica of whirlwind romance hidden behind the scenes, away from prying eyes, even to the point of Erin pretending her innocence even after Abby figured it out. She wove her tale in and out of her favorite date nights and how on their last night together, she professed her love and that Holtzmann was convinced that she was hers forever. 

“It was like every single time she would pull her hand from mine she took a piece of me. Every time she would remind me that she wasn’t ready to be out, that the part of me that has fought so hard to live unapologetically, that fire, was extinguished little by little until there was almost nothing left. But I let her take that from me, Ronnie, because she was everything. She was everything and I just knew that she felt the same and eventually that would be enough.”

Veronica watched as her sister told her story, the smaller woman slowly losing her grip on her composure piece by piece. She wanted to reach out and comfort her but knew that if she did, Jillian would be done, and she wanted her sister to get everything out that she needed before her inevitable shut down. 

“But the real kicker was that after she told me she loved me, the next morning I watched a man kiss her on the cheek in front of the firehouse. Ever the optimist, I figured it was a cousin that came to visit with her mom, but then when I made it into the building, I could hear Abby chewing her for cheating on me. And Erin said that he was _dreamy_ and _the perfect husband material_ ,” Holtz couldn’t help but cringe as she described what happened that day, still feeling the sharp sting of a screwdriver twisting her insides just as she had that day. 

“She told Abby that I was nothing, that we were nothing more than best friends with benefits as if the night before she hadn’t told me that she had never felt the way I made her feel before, that she hadn’t fallen in love with me.” 

Holtz’s hands began wringing in her lap, pinching at the webbing between her thumb and forefinger. She was desperately trying to calm herself as her pain was metamorphosing into molten hot anger. Veronica could see the shift in her sister, but still patiently waited for her to finish. 

“And then this morning, God, Ronnie. It’s the first time I have dared to occupy any of the common space in a month and she brings him into the station giggling and whispering about some tie he left on her desk. When this man walked into the doorway he looked exactly like me. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, carrying engineering books, with circular glasses. 

“It’s like she had walked into the building with this perfect version of me she had crafted herself with her internalized homophobia. I couldn’t help but think about all the things he could give her that I never could. He was so calm and collected, so perfectly normal, and the way he spoke, it was like he came straight from oratory school. The perfect man for her to make perfect babies and take home to her perfect family, the two things I could never do for her.” 

Jillian dropped her hands and physically deflated. Sensing that the story was over, Veronica scooped her sister in her arms and ran a soothing hand through her curls.

“I wish I could take this pain from you, Jilly. I am so incredibly sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that.” 

Still pressed tightly into Veronica’s side, Jillian viciously shook her head, “How could I not? I’m too fucking weird, Ronnie, no one will ever want me. I will never be enough. I will always just be the girl that you fuck on the side because sleeping with a woman is exotic or fun, because you want to confirm your sexuality. Never the girl that you court, the girl you treasure, the girl you take home to your parents. I’m damaged goods, Ronnie, how could I deserve anything else?” 

Jillian had never let her sister see this side of her, the side of self-loathing that had been in development for the past 15 years. Veronica immediately sat up straight and grabbed Jillian by the shoulders, holding her chin between her fingers to gently lift her gaze until it was focused on her. She used a spindly hand to caress her sister’s cheek before speaking.

“Jilly, I want you to listen and really hear what I am about to tell you.”

Blue eyes clashed with brown but eventually, the smaller woman nodded.

“You, Jillian Holtzmann, are the single-most precious human being to walk this planet. And I am not just saying that because you’re my sister. You have overcome so much in your life and never once have you let it stop you from blazing your own trail and achieving all of your dreams. You are worthy. You are enough.”

Blue eyes slowly closed as tears began to fall gently down her cheeks. 

“You are deserving of everything in this world. You are not a freak. You are not broken. You are whole, you are unique, and you deserve to take up space. Do not ever make yourself small because you are _too much_ , don’t ever make yourself palatable for the people who should feel honored to see you. You are perfect, Jilly, exactly as you come, and you deserve nothing less than to be treated with respect, dignity, and love. You. Are. Enough.” 

A strangled cry erupted from Jillian’s throat as she hugged her sister even tighter, wetting the shoulder of her shirt. Veronica thought back to all of the times her big sister held her as she cried, all of the times that she stayed strong so that Veronica could fall apart. It was time for her to finally give back, to hold her sister together as she finally let herself fall apart. 

Jillian had never heard those words before, she had never once in her entire life been told that she was anything but abnormal and tough to swallow. She carried herself with such confidence that the people in her life couldn’t help but forget that she’s a person, too, with delicate feelings and insecurities. In this moment, however, Veronica had reached into her very essence, unmasking her deepest fears and soothing the raw nerves with her warmth. 

Slowly, Jillian collected herself, returning to her own side of the couch. She cracked a joke about the movie and both girls laughed, breaking the spell of vulnerability that had been cast between them. Holtz quickly grabbed for the last slice of pizza, sucking half of it into her mouth in one bite.

“Jilly, what the fuck?”

Holtz chewed and swallowed thickly, almost comically. Her eyes were wide as she gave her retort, “Oh, did you want this?” 

“Yes!,” Veronica protested, “You’ve had all of your slices and half of mine!” 

The blonde considered for a moment but decided on taking another large bite of the slice. 

“You snooze, you lose, Ronnie! All’s fair in love and take out!” 

A decorative pillow slammed into Holtz’s side and she let out an audible _oof_. She was not to be deterred, though, and finished the pizza much to Veronica’s dismay. Without saying a word, Holtz took the empty box to the kitchen and began to rifle around the cabinets. 

“What are you doing in there?” Veronica tried to twist herself to see what her sister was doing unsuccessfully, her large belly in the way. 

When Jillian came back into the room, she was carrying the mother of all sundaes, complete with whipped cream and two spoons. She took the seat closest to Veronica on the couch and nudged her with her shoulder. The younger woman smiled, grabbing a spoon, and dug in, picking a cheesy Disney movie for them to end their evening with.

* * *

Holtzmann’s evening with her sister changed her outlook on the situation with Erin. While a decade and a half of self-loathing wasn’t going to heal itself overnight, Veronica’s words put a new perspective on what had happened. Holtz didn’t deserve the pain Erin caused her and she Erin was in the wrong. Before, her anger was at herself and the situation, an uncomfortable culmination of the feelings swirling in her mind, easily tamped down. But now it was loud, begging to be seen, a fire burning for the injustice that was her affair with Erin. 

Not ready to go home, Holtz made the trek back to the lab, hoping to work out some of her anger by banging on some sheet metal for the next prototypes. After letting herself into the building, she could hear the squeak of a dry erase marker scratching across a whiteboard. She tried to tiptoe to her lab but was caught halfway up the stairs. 

“Hey Holtz,” Erin called from the open area downstairs.

“Uh, hi Erin.” 

Holtz tried to finish her escape, but Erin followed her up the stairs into the lab. 

“I just wanted to thank you for being so cool about the whole Matt thing, I really think things will work out for us.”

Holtz stood with her back to Erin, clenching hard at the work table, spitting her words through clenched teeth, “Yeah, you seem well. Things look peaceful for you two.” 

Erin took this as an invitation, as if things were miraculously healed between the two and they were on the mend to friendship again. She started blabbering about how sweet the man was and how good it felt to be with him. It was almost as if she was convincing herself as she convinced Holtz that she had made the right decision. This was the final straw for Holtz, turning with a wave of seething anger in her eyes yet still trying her best for composure.

“I’m not quite as well, Erin. You should probably know that before you continue with whatever you want to say to me right now.” 

Erin froze in her tracks, mouth gaping open. After Holtz’s nonchalant responses throughout their recent interactions, she really thought maybe things would be okay. More than anything, though, she was craving her best friend. 

“I… I don’t understand. But you were so cool with--”

Holtzmann cut Erin off sharply, “Did you forget about me? Have you forgotten everything we have shared?”

Erin’s eyes downturned, “Of course not, Holtz. I… You’re my best friend and I wish so desperately we could go back to the way things were, I miss you.” 

“That’s real rich, Erin. You want to go back to the way things were? How far back do you want to go? Back to you sending me back into the closet? Back to you acting as if my touch burned every single time you thought we _could_ be outed? Or back to when you flagrantly toyed with my feelings for a year because you couldn’t decide what you wanted but couldn’t stand to let me be free?”

Tears glistened in Erin’s eyes, her cheeks heating a bright red, “That is not fair, Holtzmann, and you know it. You said that was okay.” Being so closely confronted with the true happenings was tugging at the frayed edges of the story she had so carefully crafted in her mind to soothe the cognitive dissonance between her feelings for Holtzmann and her actions.

Holtz paced a few steps closer to Erin, “Life isn’t fair, Erin! I said it was okay because I thought that one day your internalized homophobia wouldn’t be so violent, that you would begin to heal. But no matter how much love and patience I gave you, nothing was ever enough for you to open wide enough to let the light in. I gave you miles and miles and you wouldn’t budge an inch.”

“What is wrong with you? Why are you being like this?” Erin cried into the thick air surrounding them, claws clenching her aching heart as she watched Holtzman rip her world to shreds. “Stop, please stop!” 

“No Erin, you don’t get to make this go away! This is a mess _you_ made and god damn it, I hope my very presence reminds you of that. Every. Single. Day. You don’t get to deny me this cross that I bear, YOU did this! You gave it to me! You are the reason I am like this, Erin. You and your lies are the reason everything is so fucked”

Erin’s cries quickly dried as she began to see red, “It takes two to tango, Holtzmann! God, I can’t believe I ever thought for one minute that I made a mistake. Choosing Matt was the best thing I could have done, I can’t believe you’re acting like this!”

“Was your perfect little Holtz-husband still not enough to make you forget me? Does he know that after your first date you held me in your arms and you told me that you loved me? Huh?”

Holtz’s response shocked Erin, “I, uh, oh my God, you heard that?” This vital piece of information was the glue, Holtzmann didn’t know she loved her, so it couldn’t possibly be real.

“Yes, Erin, I heard you,” Holtzmann whispered as she started to calm, but the passion was still blazing on her face. “How can you look him in the eye when you know you love me?”

Holtz had Erin cornered with only two ways to escape. Only thinking of the world she had woven for herself in her mind, Erin let her fear guide her words. She repeated the words that had been a mantra in her mind since that day a month ago.

“I… I was confused, I never loved you. You were just a good lay.”

Those words, a near repetition of that first morning of this apocalypse slid into Holtz’s heart, clicking into place the complacency that came from verbal confirmation of her worst fears. All of the anger left her body with a whoosh as if her lungs were emptying for the last time. 

“That’s not true, Erin. I was a person, your best friend. I wasn’t _just_ anything.” 

Holtz’s words rang in Erin’s ears as she fully came to grips with just how badly she had fucked this all up. Of course Holtzmann was a person, of course she meant something to her. Pathways in her mind were crumbling as she could no longer hide behind the lies she had so carefully crafted to absolve herself. There was no longer a place to hide and she was left raw to face the gravity of what she had done. 

Holtzmann quietly walked out of the room and down the stairs, leaving Erin to crumple in the lab they used to share, falling apart for the first time while Holtz was finally putting herself back together. 

* * *

_And every time I scratch my nails_

_Down someone else’s back, I hope you feel it._

_Well, can you feel it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know in the comments what you think! I thrive on feedback. I promised you a happy ending, don't lose hope yet!


	3. You Learn, Part 1

After walking out of the firehouse, Holtzmann felt a resignation within her that she had never felt before. As a teenager, she had been practically disowned by her father for being a lesbian-- and an androgynous one at that. When that happened, though, it came after years of constant criticism and mistreatment that had eventually dissolved his marriage to her mom. As a parent, a husband, and as a person, Dr. Anthony Holtzmann could never be pleased. Jillian was too wild, too tomboyish, too hard to socialize with, too chaotic to ever achieve her dreams of becoming a nuclear engineer. When her father finally caught wind that his deviant daughter was, on top of everything he already didn’t like about her, a lesbian, he proceeded to scream her up and down, plucking at every insecurity and vulnerability the young girl had ever had before banishing her from his apartment indefinitely. 

Her last interaction with her father certainly had left her as vulnerable and raw as Erin had in recent months, but after she just hurt until it didn’t hurt anymore. Her father had never been anything but awful to her, Veronica, and their mother. With Erin, however, their relationship began as sweet friendship and Jillian was sure she had never had a connection so deep with someone before. It was only when their relationship changed and Erin’s internalized homophobia began dictating their lives did Erin begin to hurt her. It was almost as if the physicist had done a complete 180 from the person who Holtz had come to know and love. Until this fight, Holtz still had hope that there was still a sliver of the kind, warm, funny person she had fallen for locked inside the hard shell that had overgrown and began destroying everything in its path. But now, Holtz had completely given up. Her Erin didn’t exist anymore and she had to let her go. 

The resignation that settled deep in Holtzmann’s chest felt as if it was lifting some of the weight of Erin breaking her heart. She was still hurt and upset with Erin for treating her so poorly and throwing her away as if she was garbage but this new development gave her a reason to finally accept what had transpired. Holtzmann no longer was waiting for Erin to snap out of it, no longer waiting for things to get better. Jillian had given up on Erin which simultaneously hurt worse and was more freeing than cutting ties with her toxic father. There were no loose ends to tie up and no lingering doubts about why she wasn’t good enough. This time, it was Holtzmann’s choice to set herself free. 

* * *

Back at the lab, Erin found herself still a heap on the floor and crying hot tears. She had just broken the most important relationship of her life past the point of no return and she couldn’t believe that she let it happen. For years Erin had been working bit by bit to become the person she had always wanted to be. It was almost too good to be true. She had stopped being ashamed of studying the paranormal, choosing to reunite with the best friend and lab partner she had ever had, and was finding success! She tossed the stuffy tweed suits in the garbage and began wearing clothing that was comfortable and for  _ her _ , even to the point of willingly walking around the city in a custodial jumpsuit and galoshes. Erin’s journey to accepting herself had even allowed her to finally explore the idea that she wasn’t straight. 

As a child, Erin was never quite the daughter that her parents had wanted, but they were too socially aware to ever let her know in so many words. They had been active members in the church, the Democratic Party, and in their community. Outwardly, the Gilberts had put on a facade that they were these morally just poster children for asserting their superiority over their conservative and under-educated counterparts in Battle Creek, Michigan. At home, though, they still held the same twisted beliefs about LGBT people, people of color, and anyone else that could be “othered” in their eyes as the people they so vehemently held inferior for those beliefs. 

When the Gilberts had realized their child would talk openly about seeing a ghost and other non-approved topics, it became their mission as parents to wear Erin into submission. You saw a ghost? We are going to force you into therapy for years for being a deviant child. You don’t like wearing skirts and your hair with bangs? Well, that’s too bad because there is no way you could ever fit in with everyone if you don’t look that way. Every single oddity that made Erin unique was critiqued to the point of Erin not believing that she could ever be worthy without following the very strict set of social rules dictated by her mother. 

After her father died, Erin’s mother became even more overbearing with her expectations of a growing Erin. “Now that your father is gone, our reputation is even more dependent on you not making a fool of me. Are you going to be a good daughter or are you going to make me carry the weight of this family by myself?” Without her father as a barrier to the full force of Mrs. Gilbert, Erin became her fixation upon which to poke, prod, and manipulate into what she thought was the ideal daughter.

Mrs. Gilbert’s ultimate manipulation was convincing her daughter that Abby was a poisonous friend and that publishing their book would only ruin her chances at ever becoming a professor, Erin’s biggest dream. What Erin heard, laced insidiously in the words, was the true message: if she published that book, it would ruin her chances of ever becoming the daughter her mother wanted her to be, her deepest desire. Erin picked up her life and ran from Abby, the University of Michigan, and Paranormal Studies at warp speed without even a goodbye. After a lifetime of being conditioned that the most important thing was how the public perceived her, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that she had made the right decision. Maybe if she became a tenured professor at one of the most renowned institutions in the country, her mother could finally forgive her for her transgressions as a child, for never fully learning the tact and grace necessary for proper socialization, for being  _ her _ . 

Her mother had come around to ghostbusting when she realized how well it had been received by the public and upon learning that the team was funded by the city. It also helped that the national attention the team got helped her reputation in the small Michigan city she lived in. Their relationship had become the best it ever had been. But, the criticisms still persisted and while she was accepting of some of Erin’s eccentricities, she was still very vocal about her distaste for LGBT people and about her desire to find Erin “the perfect husband”. It was those words and the decades of false narratives and emotional trauma that ultimately brought Erin to crying curled in a ball on the lab floor as the protective walls of the world she had built for herself came crumbling down. It was the idea that she could never be complete without “the perfect husband” that brought her to her demise. 

* * *

When Abby walked into the firehouse the next morning, she could tell something had shifted. The air was thick with resonant emotion and the only sound that could be heard was the clicking and vibrating of the containment unit in Holtzmann’s second-floor lab space. 

“Holtzmann?” she called up the stairs, “are you here?” 

She was met with irregular silence, usually the engineer was the first one there in the mornings and the last one out at night. Worry tangled in Abby’s stomach as she thought about the last time Holtzmann wasn’t at work and just how devastatingly broken and small the woman had become in its aftermath. 

Patty soon arrived thereafter, bagels and coffee in hand for the gang.

“Where is everybody? Y’all are always here before me.”

Abby turned from her desk, watching as Patty set the bags down on the counter. 

“Holtz isn’t here and neither is Erin, I have no idea what’s going on.” Worry bent Abby’s face into a small frown and Patty raised her hands in the air.

“I swear to God, Abby, why do these bitches always have to have a meltdown when it’s my turn to bring breakfast? I swear, I’m gonna--”

Abby stopped Patty with a hand on her shoulder, “Do you know what has been going on, Patty?”

The taller woman stopped to think for a moment, “I have just been assumin’ Casanova fell for our resident straight girl and got her heart broken when Erin brought home that pretty boy that looks just like her.” 

“Oh, Patty, darling, it’s so much worse than that.” 

For the next half an hour, Abby walked Patty through, detail by detail what she knew about Erin and Holtz’s affair. She told her about how happy Holtzmann was to find out that Erin did like her back and their forbidden love affair that Erin wouldn’t let see the light of day. Patty audibly gasped when she heard about how Holtzmann and Erin had still been seeing each other when Erin started bringing Matt around and how Erin had been blatantly lying about what they had shared together. Abby, of course, didn’t know about their loving farewell and subsequent radio silence, but Patty was piecing together Holtzmann’s very visible pain and connected the dots. How could Erin do that? 

Before the conversation could continue, the women heard the front door open and shut. Holtzmann strolled in, looking particularly well-rested, as if for the first time in months she was able to close her eyes and not be tormented by the sins of the living. Abby’s phone could be heard ringing across the room and the shorter woman left Holtzmann alone with Patty.

“Alright, buttercup, what in the Sam hell has been going on with you?”

Holtzmann shrugged but gave Patty a gentle smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

“Oh, don’t give me that shit. Abby told me about what’s been goin’ on with you and Erin.” 

Holtz sighed and slumped her shoulders, rubbing at an eye before flipping the yellow glasses from the top of her head to the bridge of her nose. Abby quietly walked into the kitchen, holding the phone between her cheek and shoulder. Loud sniffles and a watery, “I can’t come in today,” filtered into the charged space. Patty and Abby shared a look as the researcher listened to the other end of the phone before looking expectantly to their engineer.

“I don’t want to talk about it, guys. What’s done is done and there is no reason to talk about things that can’t be changed. Everything is going to be fine now, I promise.”

Holtzmann grabbed her bagel and left in favor of her lab space where prying eyes couldn’t deconstruct the very fragile acceptance she had found between last night and this morning. Her Erin was never coming back and there was no use in her letting her heart stay broken forever. It was her responsibility to let the team fall back into place as she had been the piece causing the malfunction, hadn’t she?

* * *

Across town at her apartment, a crying Erin Gilbert was calling Abby to let her know that she wouldn’t be coming into the station today, with the underlying understanding that perhaps the next few days she would be absent, as well. 

“God, Abby, I don’t know what to do.”

“Neither do I, Erin, and frankly, I’m not the one you should be talking to about this right now. I don’t know what happened last night, but you’ve got to fix this for yourself before you destroy everything else in sight. You’ve really fucked up and I’m too angry with you right now to tell you that everything is going to be okay, or whatever because I don’t think it will be. It’s time to get better, Erin.”

With that, the phone clicked off and Erin was stunned into silence. Not even Abby, forgiving and loving Abby, would or could help her with the mess she had found herself in. She mulled over what Abby had said, one piece in particular remaining in her mind.

_ It’s time to get better, Erin _ .

Abby had been privy to Erin’s quirks and idiosyncrasies throughout her adolescence and had a front-row seat to watching Mrs. Gilbert methodically and forcefully mold Erin into some semblance of the perfect daughter she had wanted. As Erin slowly lost herself, even though she had never truly found herself to begin with, to the grips of her mother, Abby was on the sidelines. She had watched as worry turned into anxiety, internalized shame, and an unhealthy obsession with people-pleasing. Mrs.Gilbert had destroyed her daughter in the process of “doing what’s best” and Abby knew that. 

Erin walked to the kitchen and pulled an ancient Rolodex out of her junk drawer. Once, when she had first moved to the city, a colleague noticed her struggling with homesickness and with finding her own space and discretely slid her the card of a therapist well known for how effective she was. Erin had almost immediately decided to avoid that colleague for the rest of eternity, surprised that someone she barely knew had been able to see so easily that she was struggling. She tightened her dress code and held herself more aloof in efforts to throw people off her scent, but she could never get rid of that tiny card. 

Shaky fingers spun through the ancient spinner, finally landing on the card for Dr. Sharon Heathers, counseling psychologist. It made her roil with fear as she pulled the card out and onto the kitchen counter, she hadn’t been in therapy since being forced as a child as a means of forcing her into the role of the perfect daughter she was never meant to fill. What if this therapist did the same, focusing on telling her that she is crazy and never truly listening to her truth in an effort to heal? 

The alternative, however, frightened her even more. Erin knew she had come leaps and bounds in healing during her time with the ghostbusters, but there were some wounds that just cannot be healed on their own. She could never live in a world where she continued to hurt the people she loves because she could not let go of the false narrative spun in her mind by her mother that she was not worthy the way she comes. She could never let herself do this again, to anyone, for any reason. 

Screwing up her courage, Erin dialed the number on the card and prayed that someone on the other end could help her. After three rings, a smooth alto voice answered, “Heathers and Michaels Counseling, this is Mary, how can I help you?”

Erin stuttered for a moment, letting silence stretch between herself and the woman on the other line. “Hello, how can I help you?” 

The repetition brought Erin out of her trance, “Uh… Hi, I’m D-Dr. Erin Gilbert and I really need help.”

“Hi Erin, thank you for calling. Are you in danger of harming yourself or others?” 

“No.. no!” Erin panted, “No, I’m not, but I am in a really bad place mentally and I am ready to get better.”

Erin could feel the warmth and sunshine radiating through the phone from Mary, “I’m so glad to hear that you’re ready to get better, Erin. Do you have a preference for which counselor you see?” 

“I, uh, Dr. Heathers, please.”

“Perfect, let me pull up her schedule and see when she’s available for an intake appointment. We like to call them interviews here at the shop because it’s really just your chance to feel each other out and see if you’re a good match…” the receptionist trails off quietly and Erin can hear the clacking of acrylic nails on a keyboard. 

“It usually takes two weeks to squeeze in with Dr. Heathers--” 

Erin accidentally cuts her off, “Two weeks! I…”

Mary giggled on the other end, “It’s okay, Dr. Gilbert, I was just going to say that Dr. Heathers had a client cancel this afternoon and I can ask her if she would be willing to fill it with an intake appointment, let me put you on hold for just a moment.”

Erin anxiously tapped her fingers against the counter and chewed on her bottom lip as she waited. As soon as today she could be expected to bare her soul to a complete stranger and the thought of touching that trauma and pain was overwhelming. Before she could get too far into the rabbit hole, Mary picked the line back up.

“Hi Erin, are you still with me?” 

“Um, yes, I am.”

“Perfect, Dr. Heathers said that she is more than willing to see you today since she doesn’t have a backlog of new patients at the moment. Can you be here at 2:00?”

2 o’clock, that was hours away, plenty of time for Erin to work up the courage to step foot in the office. “Yes, I can be there at 2. Thank you.”

“That’s wonderful, Erin. I will get you scheduled in here. I do ask that you take about fifteen minutes between now and your appointment to fill out a preliminary questionnaire and you enter your insurance information on our portal. If you give me your email information, I can send you the link to the portal.”

Erin rambled off the personal email that she had been using for the past 15 years and waited for the ding of the invitation in her email. She confirmed with Mary that she received the invite and the two quickly ended the call. 

Filling out the questionnaire only took a few minutes, leaving Erin with her anxiety to fiddle around the house, mulling over the series of events that brought her to this point. The pure sadness and pain dripping from Holtzmann’s face as she said “I wasn’t  _ just _ anything” was all she could see as she straightened papers and dusted corners of her apartment. Tears were never far from her eyes and often fell onto stacks of books or into her pillow as she tried to nap before her appointment. By the time she rolled into the office of Dr. Heathers, she had thoroughly placed herself in the center of her mind, worry and regret bouncing off the walls and against her soul relentlessly. 

* * *

Mary sat tall in her chair, messy curls pinned on top of her head, bright yellow dress accentuating her dark skin, perfectly capturing her aura of sunshine. As Erin approached the desk, she could see two pens sticking peculiarly out of their cup, one with a rainbow flag and the other with a flag unfamiliar to Erin with blue, pink, and white stripes. 

“Are you Dr. Erin Gilbert?” 

“Uh… y-yes that’s me.”

A radiant smile broke over Mary’s face and Erin felt a calm wash over her, “Perfect, I’m glad to see you. If you could just show me your state ID and your insurance cards to put in your file, we can get you all squared away for seeing Dr. Heathers.” 

Erin quickly complied, still looking to the pens with flags. Mary caught her staring and gently prodded, “ Whatcha lookin’ at?” 

Erin coughed in surprise, “Oh, no, nothing, sorry.” 

Mary gave another warm smile, “It’d be okay if you were. The flags are there for a reason, to show that we are supportive and accepting of all LGBTQ folks here in the office. It had been so hard to find a job in the city but Dr. Heathers and Dr. Michaels were able to see me for my worth and have been steady employment for years.”

Erin felt her face flame red, she would have never been able to notice that Mary was LGBTQ if she hadn’t said anything, could it be that way for her? Mary seemed to be stable and secure in her job and to be treated well, the antithesis of everything her mother had fed her growing up in small-town Michigan. Before she could take a seat in the waiting area, a plump woman with nearly white hair opened the door, “Dr. Erin Gilbert?”

“Yes, hi, that’s me.” Erin played with her hair a little and walked to meet the older woman. She stuck her hand out and the counselor shook it firmly. 

“Let’s go get to know each other, shall we?” 

The walk back to her office was long and winding, giving Erin ample time to lose the calm that Mary had given her. Her mind was racing with the overwhelming memory of being forced into therapy as a child. As the two women turned into a plush and inviting office, Erin’s breathing quickly turned into hyperventilating, anxiety suffocating her from the inside out.

A gentle voice grounded her, “Dr. Gilbert, can you hear me?” 

Erin nodded quickly and moved to sit on the couch in front of her, needing to stabilize herself before her legs gave out.

“Erin, can I call you Erin?” The physicist nodded, “Erin, can you breathe with me? I want to breathe in through the nose for five and out of your mouth for ten.”

Slowly, Erin’s breathing returned to normal and she could make sense of what she was seeing: an older woman kneeling in front of her, counting breaths, surrounded by a cozy office lined with books and plants. Looking into Dr. Heathers’ dark eyes, her mind slowly came to a stop. 

“Hi Erin, I’m glad to see you back with me.” The psychologist slowly moved back to the chair directly across from the couch. “Can you tell me a little about what just happened here? Does that happen a lot?” 

Erin cleared her throat and wrung her hands together in her lap, finding one particular freckle on her hand very fascinating. “I..uh…”

After a few long moments of silence, Dr. Heathers interjected, “That’s okay if you can’t right now, Erin. We are just here today to get to know each other, we don’t need to unload all of the heaviness you’re feeling right now, okay?”

The therapist's words loosened the ropes around Erin’s lungs slightly, but not enough to allow her to speak.

“As you know, I’m Dr. Heathers, but you can just call me Sharon if you’d like.”

Erin nodded and listened carefully as Sharon listed her qualifications and what kinds of therapy she does. A lot of it sounded like psychobabble to Erin but the last piece caught her attention, “What is that last one?” 

“EMDR? It’s one of my favorite techniques to use. It’s Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a type of psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing emotional experiences. To put it more simply, it uses rapid eye movement to retrain the brain to change associations made with these disturbing events by using your own intellectual and emotional processes to formulate those new beliefs. It’s very similar to how REM sleep helps solidify memories in your brain.” 

Erin rolled this around her mind for a moment, thinking about how strikingly different it was to the approach used by her childhood therapist who forced his beliefs and interpretations of her experiences into her mind until she couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t from her own memory. 

“That’s quite different from how therapy has been for me in the past. How effective is it?” 

“I have found quite a lot of success with the patients I have used it with.”

Now knowing that there was a possibility of having a completely different experience than that of her childhood, Erin was feeling more comfortable with the idea of sharing some of what was going on in her mind. She was still wary, but she began to talk a little on the mess she had found herself in with Holtzmann and her past with Abby, describing how she had found herself stuck in a never-ending cycle of anxiety that made her hurt the people she loves.

“You’re speaking a lot about fear making you run away from and hurt the people closest to you, can you elaborate on what that fear is?” Sharon’s voice was calm and comforting but firm in asking Erin to dig a little deeper into herself. 

Erin blew a puff of air out, her bangs jumping with the gust. “I… I’ve been thinking on it a lot, and I think it’s a fear of letting people down, maybe, like I will never be enough just as me.” 

“Is there a specific person you’re afraid of letting down? Is there something in particular that makes you feel like you’re not enough?”

Before Erin could think, she answered with perhaps the most astute observation she had ever made about herself, “I’m afraid that I will never be enough for my mom, there is something inherently wrong with me that makes it so that she will never be able to love me.” 

Erin’s eyes went wide and tears watered in them, overwhelmed with the ease she had let go of one of her deepest pains. On high alert, she could feel her walls building and herself shutting down to Sharon. 

“That’s a very insightful observation Erin, thank you for sharing that with me. We don’t have to unpack that right now if you’re not ready. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and we can work at your pace.”

Erin’s anxiety was still boiling on high, but Sharon's words comforted her.  _ It’s okay, Erin. She’s not going to hurt you. She’s here to help you. At your own pace.  _ The physicist worked through her tried and true coping mechanisms that helped her during anxious episodes.

After some affirmations and deep breathing, Erin could feel herself calm. The smell of gentle lavender was permeating throughout the cozy office and she couldn’t help but think of the scientific properties of calming scents she learned in an undergrad neurochemistry class. 

“Based on what I am hearing, Erin, I think that you might be a good candidate for trying EMDR. It’s an eight-phase process, so it will take some time to work through it. How do you feel about that?” 

“I… uh… I think I would really like that. I’m tired of hurting myself and others.” Erin was still fiddling with her class ring but was feeling hopeful at the prospect of getting better.

“That’s great Erin, I would really like to help you through this.” Sharon gave Erin a more detailed rundown of the steps that she would take during each of the 8 sessions. They would first work together to identify the trauma and false narratives she had built in her mind, then they would identify the way she wanted to change those associations, finally spending the remaining sessions doing the EMDR technique to retrain her brain, and hopefully jumpstart her healing. 

Erin left Sharon’s office cautiously optimistic about what the future would bring. Sharon already put Erin at such ease that she was letting the therapist in on the deepest facets of her identity, something she had never been able to share with anyone except Holtzmann. Oh, Holtzmann, what a mess Erin had made of things. From here on out, Erin was going to heal not only herself but everything she had broken, even if it took the rest of her life. Holtzmann was and always would be worth it. 

_ Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill) _

_ It feels so good (swimming in your stomach) _

_ Wait until the dust settles _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was supposed to be the last chapter, but it got away from me and I have decided to post it in two parts! Let me know what you think in the comments, I love hearing from you all! Things are looking up! :)


	4. You Learn, Part 2

Erin had been going to therapy sessions for about a month when she started really noticing a shift in her thought processes. They spent two sessions identifying that Erin’s deep emotional trauma stemmed from her mother’s incessant narcissism that constantly convinced her that she wasn’t enough, loving her only on the condition that she fulfilled the expectations placed upon her. Erin plucked out specific memories that created the foundation upon which she had convinced herself that in order to be loved and successful, she had to mold herself to fit into the shoes of her mother’s “perfect daughter”. Sharon taught her some grounding techniques in order to keep herself sane between sessions, knowing that Erin would feel very raw between opening these wounds and the sessions in which they cleaned and healed them. The first negative belief they worked on was that she needed to change herself to be loved and successful, carefully desensitizing Erin to the pain and trauma of constantly being belittled by her mother and forced into being someone wasn’t. Slowly, she began to associate those memories, instead, with a new belief: “I am worthy within my own existence and my mother’s opinion does not change that.” 

Erin found that when her mother called, the snide remarks didn’t sting as much as they used to and she wouldn’t spend the next two days dressing and acting differently than she had been accustomed to since she began shedding her protective casing with the ghostbusters. There was always a part of her that would revert back to subconsciously pleasing Mrs. Gilbert, even when she wasn’t around to be pleased. Abby even asked her once about how long it had been since she had spoken with her mother, noticing that Erin hadn’t worn a pair of high heels in a long time. It actually made Abby smile to know that whatever Erin had been up to in her free time was actually bringing positive change in her life.

While Erin was beginning to heal through therapy, things between her and Holtzmann were still awkward and tense. Holtzmann had stopped carrying so much anger towards Erin, which had helped work relations immensely, but Erin could still feel the distance Holtzmann was creating like a frayed rope, taut between them but unwilling to snap. The engineer had seemingly returned to normal otherwise, being goofy and energetic during busts and making frequent poofs of various sizes. Erin, while trying to stay optimistic, couldn’t help but worry that their relationship would remain strained, never fully healing from the mistakes she had made. She feared that this would become their new normal.

“Erin, yo, what you doin’ baby, the alarm is going off!” Patty shook Erin’s shoulder, bringing her out of her musings. She could see a puff of blonde hair jog into the changing area which gave her pause. She worried about making Holtzmann uncomfortable but with Abby yelling about it being a Class IV malevolent spirit, she knew she had no time to waste.

As she approached the lockers, she could see that Holtzmann was changing into the jumpsuit and her breath caught in her throat. Standing with her back to Erin, jumpsuit currently tied as her waist, her back muscles rippled as she shed her t-shirt, one Erin instinctively knew to read “One of the Boys”. Erin forced her mouth closed but couldn’t rip her eyes away from her smooth, pale skin and where it met a black sports bra. Holtzmann quickly pulled the sleeves up and turned while buttoning the front. Their eyes caught for a fragile moment until Erin blushed and looked away, murmuring incessant apologies. 

“It’s okay, Erin. It’s not a big deal.” 

Holtzmann’s response took the physicist by surprise, she couldn’t remember the last time the engineer had addressed her directly. As she lifted her gaze from the floor, Erin could see that Holtzmann had the remnants of a blush tinting her cheeks. Before Erin could respond, Holtz fled from the room, hollering to Abby about finding the keys to the hearse. Erin spent the rest entire ride to the bust wondering what Holtzmann’s seeming olive branch could mean.

Once at the bust, chaos exploded for the four ladies. Children were running and screaming around the front yard a Victorian townhouse turned daycare. The dull sound of kitchenware crashing and glassware smashing could be heard from outside the building. 

“I don’t think I even wanna know what’s goin’ on in there.” Patty crossed her arms and groaned, lamenting about getting too old for this shit.

“It’s gonna be great, Pattycakes, let’s do this!” Holtzmann whooped in excitement, running for the door. 

“Holtzmann, wait for us, I don’t want you going in there alone!” Abby yelled to the back of Holtzmann’s head. The small woman came to an abrupt stop, placing her hands on her hips and groaning an “alriiiiight” in Abby’s direction. 

The other three busters caught up to Holtzmann, Abby giving them all the information she had on the entity. T4, malevolent, violent, and needed to be taken care of  _ immediately _ for the safety of the children. Holtzmann was the first one in the door, stage whispering that she could hear the ghost smashing things in the kitchen. 

Upon entrance to the room, the four women spread out equally around the entity who seemed to be wholly entranced by smashing the glasses from the cupboard, one by one, and screaming. 

“ _ Listen to me! Let me breathe! I didn’t mean it! Please! _ ” The ghost was a tall woman, in a torn gown and hair piled messily on her head, wispy strands falling into her eyes. 

“Okay, ladies, let’s fire it up!” Abby commanded. Her direction caught the ghost’s attention, though and she charged Abby, glass shard in hand. 

“Wait! Wait! We can’t shoot with it so close to Abby, that glass shard would launch right into her!” Holtzmann shouted, running closer to the entity to attempt at using her new ghost net to pull it away. The glowing, blue goddess spun on her heels to look at Holtzmann, her face immediately softening from its rage into gentle reverence and regret. 

“ _ Baby, please, forgive me. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it… _ ” The ghost woman repeated her mantra over and over again, slinking closer and closer to the engineer, who had frozen in her tracks. It was almost as if the ghosts could read her mind and feel her thoughts, this particular one replaying the dream that had haunted her for months in the wake of Erin. 

Outwardly, Holtzmann had pulled herself into a neat package, or as neat of one as her chaotic energy could ever allow. She had decided that her unsettled emotions towards Erin were the reason the team wasn’t functioning smoothly since her heart was broken, so she took it among herself to make sure that her personal grievances were boxed up and dealt with away from work. Holtzmann carried so much guilt, as if she was the reason things had fallen apart with Erin. If she could just forgive her, things could go back to the way they used to be. 

Forgiveness had always been hard for the blonde, having been hurt so many times in her life for no discernable reason. She used to forgive easily, letting those who hurt her back into her soul while they still wielded the knife that had destroyed her. But as she grew, she became hardened and a steel wall locked her heart, that once slammed shut, would never open again. She told herself that she liked it better this way, that she preferred her protective casing. But late at night, when her mind finally was freed from its barriers, she could only dream of Erin on her knees, pleading for forgiveness and baring her transgressions in search of absolution that only Holtzmann could give. 

Still frozen, Holtzmann felt herself lose her footing as the ghost yanked her off the ground in an embrace, floating closer and closer to the ceiling. Erin watched in panic as the ghost began to drag Holtzmann away from the kitchen to the stairwell, up to the next floor of the townhouse. The physicist screamed for her and sprinted for the stairs, frantically reaching for any part of Holtzmann she could grab. 

Holtzmann began wildly kicking her legs as the ghost’s grip slipped from her shoulders to her neck, squeezing so tightly that her lungs burned. As she squeaked out a cry for help, she felt her foot grabbed firmly before her world went dark. Erin used her grip on Holtzmann’s foot to anchor the ghost in place, shouting for Abby and Patty to be ready with their packs to corral the ghost as soon as she could break Holtzmann free. 

An experimental tug on Holtzmann’s foot was followed by Erin yelling in the ghost’s direction, “Let her go! She is not yours!” 

This enraged the ghost enough that she loosened her grip on Holtzmann just enough to give Erin the leverage she needed to pull the engineer into her arms. The two landed with a hard thud on the floor. She gathered Holtzmann in her arms, stroking her hair, her cheek, softly pleading with a god she didn’t believe in to see those ice-blue eyes one more time. 

The ghost screamed as Abby and Patty pulled her into the trap, “ _ No! Mine! You are undeserving! Mine! _ ” Erin could hear the shouts taper off into silence as the trap’s doors shut on the entity but in this moment it didn’t matter that Erin didn’t deserve Holtzmann. The only thing that mattered was the fragile woman in her arms that she loved. Slowly, the smaller woman’s eyes blinked open and Erin gasped in relief, hugging the blonde tightly to her chest. 

“Erin?” Disoriented, Holtzmann looked into Erin’s eyes, and together, they were the only thing that existed.

“Oh, I’m so glad that you’re alright.” As quickly as the moment passed between them, Holtzmann tensed and Erin let her go. She scrambled to her feet, rubbing at her throat. 

“Damn, when are these ghosts gonna stop coming for my throat?” Holtzmann gave her signature cheesy smile in an attempt to cover the conflicting feelings swirling in her chest. Abby crossed the room to clap her shoulder and then pull her into a tight hug. Quietly, so that no one else could hear, Abby whispered into her ear, “Things are going to be okay,” while rocking her back and forth. 

Within moments, Holtzmann could feel Patty wrap herself around her back, squeezing tightly before letting go. The four women looked amongst themselves, grabbing the trap, and silently exiting the townhouse, not wanting to draw attention to what had just transpired. The ride home was equally silent but all four women could feel that something was shifting. 

~

For the next few days, Holtzmann and Erin continued to dance around each other, but the stakes no longer felt so high. Holtzmann still wanted to keep her distance from Erin, muscle memory unrelenting in reminding her of what could happen if she trusted Erin again. Jillian found herself often wishing to start a conversation with Erin, much like she had in the beginning. Unlike the beginning, though, Holtzmann was hesitant and couldn’t bring herself to bridge the gap she had placed between them.

The blonde could hear Erin’s markers squeaking on the whiteboard behind her as she spun on a kitchen stool, a cup of coffee in her hand steaming her yellow-tinted glasses. Right when the brunette turned to face Holtzmann, a 90s song blasted from her pocket and Holtzmann quickly shoved her hand into her corduroy pants, freeing the ringing phone. On the screen was Veronica’s contact, including a photo of the woman with a whipped cream mustache and crossing her eyes. 

“Shello. This is Holtzmann’s Auto Repair, how can I help you?”

Harsh breathing came in response on the other line, so Holtzmann sat quietly until her sister was ready, anticipating the news already. “The baby…. Is coming…. Will you come?” 

Holtzmann let out a whoop of excitement that caused Veronica to groan into the phone, “Hell yeah, baby, meet you there!”

In a burst of jittery excitement, the nuclear engineer jumped off of her stool and ran to Abby, crushing her in a hug. “I’m gonna be an aunt today!” With her hands on Abby’s shoulders, she began bouncing, her hair flopping out of its pins ever so slightly with the motion. 

“You ain’t gonna be an auntie if you keep bouncin’ around here, girlfriend. You better get your behind in motion and get there for your sister!” Patty’s voice filtered across the room from her study nook, a corner with bookshelves and a comfortable chair, gentle lighting filtering through sheer curtains. 

Aggressively nodding her head at Patty’s statement, the blonde whirled into motion, grabbing her belongings and running outside. She waved down the first cab she saw and within 15 minutes was jogging into the maternity ward. With a well-deserved eyeroll, the nurse at the nurse’s station directed her to Veronica’s room, the one furthest down the hallway with a pink flower decal on the door. 

“Hiya sis, is the crotch goblin ripping apart your insides yet?” 

Veronica groaned, “Oh god, I am on fire. I don’t know how people do this more than once.” 

Holtzmann pulled a chair up next to Veronica’s bed, slinging one leg over the arm, propping her foot on the bed rail. “Fun fact, for some women, the memory of labor pain actually fades over time. Of course, on the other hand, for some women the memory of pain is amplified. I don’t think there is a concrete reason as to why that is, but I would take a stab at it being partly due to labor experience and partly due to the release of oxytocin during labor and breastfeeding.” 

The brunette shoved Holtzmann’s foot off of the bedrail, “If you’re going to spout that science bullshit can you at least do it without your muddy boots on my bed?” 

“Sure thing, Ronnie,” Holtzmann reached down and pulled her mismatch-socked feet out of the boots, bringing them both to rest suspiciously close to her sister on the bed, “Better?” 

“Jilly I swear to god if you touch me with your toes, I am going to rip them off.” 

“Allllright…” Jillian huffed and slid her toes closer to herself, but not without an experimental poke to Veronica’s side with her big toe. The taller woman narrowed her eyes with a frown but refrained from dismembering Holtz… for now. 

Together Jillian and Veronica sat for hours, slowly working through the progression of labor together. Squeezed hands and strangled groans marked each contraction, back rubs and cups of water consistent and gentle as Holtzmann shed her chaotic skin to offer support as a birthing partner. Sometime in the afternoon, Veronica’s husband came roaring into the room, panting and sweating as if he had run the last 20 blocks between his office and the hospital. 

“Liam, dude, where have you been?” Holtzmann clapped her brother-in-law on the back as he moved to occupy the chair she had once been in. 

“Seriously, Liam, what the hell?” Veronica’s sweaty face crumpled into her next contraction as she reached for her husband’s hand, squeezing it so tightly he let out a yelp. Holtzmann laughed, telling him that he had it coming for making his wife wait so long. Between contractions, Liam told the story of how his new secretary didn’t think that a message from his laboring wife was important enough to pull him from his meeting. 

Before nightfall, Vera Juliet made her entrance into the world with a quiet whimper that never quite escalated into a wail. Wisps of chocolate brown hair and strikingly blue eyes captivated Holtzmann, a love she had never known before came abounding as she met her niece for the first time. She watched as Veronica learned how to breastfeed the newborn at Veronica insistence, staying with her as Liam went to fetch dinner for the group. 

“You’re the most important person in my life, Jilly, I want you here.” 

As the baby suckled, Veronica turned her attention to Holtzmann, a sleepy but still evident glare in her eyes, “Now that I am not pushing a football out of my lady bits, are you gonna tell me what’s going on with you?” 

“What? Nothing is going on with me,” the blonde retorted, “why would you think something is up with me?” 

Contrary to the words she had spoken aloud, Holtzmann’s heart began to race and her knee to bounce. With the excitement of bringing a child into the world, Erin had been pushed into the deep recesses of her mind and came slamming back to the forefront with Veronica’s probing. Her mind was at war with itself, her protective casing lifting with every soft look but slamming shut near immediately, leaving her heart bruised and tender. Waking up in Erin’s arms had been disorienting, for a moment all that existed was the two of them and the profound love and concern radiating from Erin, their past nowhere in sight. Jillian couldn’t stop thinking about that moment, about how for those few seconds she felt full and warm. A temporary peace washed over her soul with a promise of permanence, a permanence her mind ached for and desperately wanted to find. 

“Don’t play with me, Jillian, I know there is something on your mind. You know there is something on your mind. So, do Vera and I both a favor and just talk to me about it.” 

Veronica was right, there was something on Jillian’s mind that she needed to talk to someone about. And she certainly wasn’t going to be the one to piss off the new mother. 

“It’s Erin… Everything is still just so loud and won’t stop. I have resigned myself to our new normal, to losing the Erin I knew, but that’s not enough.”

Veronica looked at Jillian for a moment in an attempt to decode the statement hanging in the air, then moved to unlatch the baby, using one hand to stabilize and the other to pat her back while she sat in her lap. As she responded, she also passed the small child to Holtzmann to hold. 

“What about this is unsettling for you? What are you stuck on?” 

Holtzmann looked down to the small baby in her arms, caressing a cheek with her knuckle. She thought for long moments before responding, the two women sitting in the silence, together. 

“I just… I’m still so hurt and angry with her. But the other day, something happened and for just a moment everything was still…”

The blonde trailed off and Veronica took a moment to try and piece together what she was being told. 

“What in that moment changed that made everything still?” 

“I dunno, Ronnie… it was like in that moment nothing mattered except the two of us. There was no past, there was no future, it was just the two of us.” 

Veronica sighed gently, seeing the direction this was taking and her heart hurt for her sister. 

“You’re still in love with her.” 

“That doesn’t matter.” Holtzmann’s response was short and finite. Bending was not an option, bending leads to breaking.

“Yes it does, Jilly.”

Tears sprang in Holtzmann’s eyes as Veronica’s words settled in her chest. She didn’t want it to be true. It wasn’t allowed to be true. 

“I can’t, Ronnie. I can’t. No, she can’t hurt me again, she can’t.” 

Veronica stretched out her arms, moving the baby from Holtzmann’s arms and into the bedside bassinet. She kept one arm outstretched, open palm up and waited for Jillian to slowly move closer, cupping her cheek and wiping away a tear as Jillian nuzzled her hand, wrapping herself around the proffered comfort. 

Veronica spoke softly as she soothed her crying sister, “It’s going to be okay, Jilly. It’s okay if you are still in love with her.”

“I can’t be in love with her Ronnie,” Jillian sniffled, “I can’t forgive her. I can’t do it again, she isn’t even sorry.” 

“Can you not forgive her because she isn’t sorry or because you’re afraid? Forgiveness isn’t for her, forgiveness is for you. Holding onto your anger and resentment is only hurting you, Jillian. Staying angry with Erin will eat you alive, you will never find peace.” 

Holtzmann stifled a sob so as to not wake the baby and dropped her head to her sister’s side. Veronica slowly passed her hand over curly blonde hair, hoping to comfort the one person who had always been by her side as a pillar of strength. 

~

Forgiveness became an unwittingly shared struggle of Erin and Holtzmann as the months dragged on. Erin’s counseling session had successfully moved her through much of her EMDR, making leaps and bounds against her trauma and internalized beliefs but there was one thing that she could not get past: hurting Holtzmann. How could she have done something so incredibly awful?

As time passed, both women took baby steps towards forgiveness, albeit unbeknownst to themselves. Piece by piece, the two women began to fall back into some of their old routines. Holtzmann no longer felt the need to suppress her desire to start menial conversation with the physicist to fill silences, cracking some jokes frequently enough that Erin had begun to notice that things were changing.

“I’m going to level with you Erin, there is not a whole hell of a lot left that you can do in regards to Dr. Holtzmann.” Sharon had walked Erin through every step of her healing thus far, thoroughly impressed by the amount of dedication and persistence that the physicist had shown. Through tears, anger, and more than one setback, Erin had truly come a long way from where she began. She no longer gave the approval of others so much weight, though not entirely being able to shake off opinions from those around her. Her relationship with her mother had reformed into one that functioned on her terms: she spoke with her mother when  _ she  _ wanted to, she told her mother things  _ she  _ wanted to and had even once successfully (even considering her consequent panic attack) shut down a toxic conversation. 

“I know that I can’t force her to forgive me or to be my friend but I need to be able to forgive myself enough to interact with her without the guilt eating me alive. Every time she cracks a joke or starts a conversation with me, I can’t help but ache for all that I have broken. I don’t know how to make it stop.” 

Sitting in the plush couch in Sharon’s office, Erin pulled a pillow into her lap, holding it tightly to her chest. Even after all of her months in therapy, she still could find aspects of herself to nitpick into mountains.

“Can you elaborate on what you mean by aching for all that you have broken?” 

Erin thought for a long moment, “I can’t forgive myself for the way that I treated Holtzmann and how awful I must have made her feel. What I did was unforgivable.” 

“How do you know that it’s unforgivable? Have you asked for forgiveness?”

“I…. don’t know. Do you think I should?”

“If Dr. Holtzmann is comfortable having a conversation with you, I would highly suggest doing so. But you have to meet her where she’s at, if she doesn’t want to have that conversation with you, you cannot force her to.” 

Erin rubbed her hands soothingly up and down her thighs, “The last thing I want is to do anything else to hurt her or make her uncomfortable.” 

For the rest of the session, Erin worked through what exactly she was sorry for and how to give the best apology she could, should she be given the opportunity. Erin knew that she and Holtzmann could never have what they once did but she couldn’t live with herself if she let things continue the way that they currently were. She craved that familiarity that flowed between them with every conversation, the intimacy of trust between two people. Maybe she would never gain that again, but she had to try. 

~

Erin slowly started initiating more conversation with Holtzmann, which was always well-received by the nuclear engineer, much to her surprise. After a week and a half of working herself up to attempting a serious conversation with Holtzmann, she finally caught her during an after-lunch “thinking session”, which was code for daydreaming about this, that, and the other thing-- she didn’t believe in pushing through afternoon slumps and often found that she could work better post-daydream if she let herself relax for a little while. 

“Hey, Holtzmann, how’s it going?” 

The blonde shook her head slightly and Erin watched as her eyes focused back in on the world. 

“Oh, just fine, I’m just having a thinking session, the world's problems won’t solve themselves.” 

Erin grabbed a stool and pulled it up close to Holtzmann’s bench so that the two women were sitting across from each other, the table and a mess of gadgets putting a barrier between them.

“I, uh.. I was wondering if we could have a conversation-- I promise it’s nothing bad!” Erin could feel her palms sweating as she extended her olive branch. Holtzmann’s stomach sank to her knees, a no on the tip of her lips when she remembered what Veronica said.  _ Holding onto your anger and resentment is only hurting you, Jillian. _

“Uh, yeah Erin, that’s fine, what do you want to talk about?” 

“I would like to apologize for everything that happened earlier this year, I know it’s been a long time and if you don’t want to dredge old things up, that is fine and I respect that. But if you’re willing to hear me out, you really deserve an apology.”

Jillian’s eyes went wide, this was completely unexpected and sent her spinning through the air, bouncing and shaking as she lost control. She gave a slight nod and her face softened, curious with hesitant excitement as to what Erin wanted to say. 

“Holtzmann, I am so incredibly sorry for the way that I treated you. Every single aspect of our relationships was unhealthy and it was wrong of me to behave the way I did from start to finish. I have spent a lot of time in therapy working out why exactly I did the things that I did, which also sparked a come to jesus moment for me. I am so incredibly sorry that I treated you as something I needed to hide or be ashamed of, you shine so brilliantly and you should never be forced to hide that, for any reason. I’m also even more sorry for everything that happened at the end of our relationship, I should have never gone on that date with Matt while we were still together. I wish I could take back all of the venomous, toxic, awful things that I said to you in its aftermath, hurting you so deeply is the biggest regret of my life. I’m sorry for lying to our friends, I’m sorry for putting you in a situation in which you couldn’t feel comfortable here at work, and I am so, so sorry for everything else that happened that I don’t know about. I know what I did was so incredibly harmful, and you deserve an apology everyday for the rest of eternity. I just want you to know how genuinely sorry that I am and how awful I feel about all the different ways I have hurt you over the past year.”

During Erin’s spiel, Holtzmann had not only teared up, but began to cry furiously as she heard Erin finally apologize for everything that had happened. To know that Erin finally recognized that what she did was wrong and how much it had negatively impacted her unlocked a piece of Holtzmann that she thought she would never see again: hope. This was the old Erin, the Erin that she knew and loved, the Erin that she had laid to rest all that time ago because Jillian  _ knew _ she would never come back from this. 

The apology didn’t magically fill all of the gaps in Jillian’s soul like she thought they would. The engineer had been so convinced that hearing Erin apologize would put all of her pieces back together, that she would finally find rest. It soothed much of the hurt she still carried with her, helping to ease the ache of an oozing wound that never fully healed. But, it also set something inside her on fire, almost as if her body was willing to bear itself to the physicist again, ready to forgive her entirely. 

Holtzmann must have been staring at Erin for a while after she finished as the physicist had very noticeably shrunk in on herself, gripping her upper arms, her chin tucked into her chest. Erin’s eyes were downturned to the floor, almost as if she was trying to hide from the blonde. 

“Erin, hey, look at me.” 

The brunette took a steadying breath and tried to discreetly wipe a tear from her cheek. Looking up, she saw a mirror image in Jillian, puffy, red eyes and arms wrapped around herself, self-soothing by picking at the frayed fabric of her jacket. It felt as if Jillian was staring into her soul and that thought made Erin squirm in her seat. She didn’t like the feeling of being  _ seen _ , especially while exposing one of her deepest vulnerabilities. 

“I accept your apology.” 

Erin had to physically restrain herself from letting her jaw drop as she felt the weight of the world slide off her shoulders. Holtzmann’s acceptance felt like smooth honey dripping on her skin and cool aloe running in her veins, giving her the grace to finally forgive herself for all she had done. 

Holtzmann watched as ten years seemed to slide off of Erin before her very eyes and she couldn’t help but feel a similar relief. A long moment passed between the two women as vines started growing between them, reaching and stretching, ready to intertwine but not quite long enough to touch. 

“I… I don’t know if this is too much, but I was wondering if maybe we could be friends again?” 

Erin hadn’t discussed this possibility with Sharon and her anxiety flared as the words left her mouth, not sure what came over her to suggest something so bold and that wasn’t hers to ask for. 

In that moment, the world seemed to stop as Erin looked expectantly to Holtzmann. Jillian so desperately wanted for Erin but she still couldn’t quite let herself unbind the chains locking her heart in place. 

“I don’t know, Erin. I don’t mean this to hurt you but I was naive to not heed Abby’s warning and got really hurt last time. I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t want to make that same mistake again, I couldn’t stand another heartbreak like that.”

Erin deflated a little as she listened to Holtz’s response, disappointed but understanding of where she was coming from. But as she really heard what Holtzmann was trying to say, she felt emboldened to try just once more. 

“I’ve learned, too, Holtz. I fucked up royally and I will never be sorry enough to erase how I have hurt you. But this can’t be the end of us. I have gone to therapy for months to relearn how to live a good, healthy life, and I have no intention of ever stopping. I wish you would have never gotten hurt in order for me to get here but now I know that you are my future. You’re the love of my life and I’m not going down without a fight, even if friends are all that we can ever be. No secrets, no lies, no hiding. Just you and me from the beginning again.” 

Holtzmann’s heart swelled against its confines, creaking and cracking the worn metal that held it so tightly.  _ Staying angry with Erin will eat you alive, you will never find peace.  _ She held her hand out across the table for Erin to grab, clutching at her fingers like she was going to slip away. With three long, slow blinks, Holtzmann raised her head to look Erin in the eyes, communicating from one soul to another with a finite nod of her head. 

And so, they begin, again. 

~

_ You laugh you learn, you choose you learn  _

_ You pray you learn, you ask you learn  _

_ You live, you learn _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, folks. I hope you've enjoyed reading this journey as much as I have writing it!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I have never written for Holtzbert before but after listening to Jagged Little Pill the Musical I was so inspired to write this story.


End file.
